"Hey, Honey, that movie 'Chimpanzee' just came out in the theaters. You could take the kids to see that today if you wanted."
What a great thought, my darling husband. Stellar idea. Let's just review how this went, shall we? (I borrowed this 'form' of writing from 'If You Take a Mouse to the Movies'. Thanks to Laura Numeroff for her clever writing.) Also, thanks to my encouraging friend, Michele at ODNT, for giving me the idea and confidence to post this.
Here we go:
If you take a Mags to the movies, she’ll ask you for some popcorn. When you give her the popcorn, she’ll spill it all over herself and the sticky floor. Then she’ll want to pick it up and eat it. You’ll have to distract her with candy from her Easter bunny basket you smuggled in. While eating the candy, she’ll complain about how there are no bunnies in the movie. She’ll ask you why there are no bunnies in the movie in a very loud whisper. When you tell her it’s because it’s a movie about a baby Chimpanzee, she’ll get all excited and start to watch. She’ll see the Chimpanzee snuggled up with his mama. She’ll comment enthusiastically about how sweet that is and she’ll want to sit in your lap. Once she’s settled in and you’re completely uncomfortable, she’ll see the baby Chimpanzee drink something. Then she’ll ask you for a drink. You’ll have to reach over her and get the juice box you stowed away in your huge, purple purse. She’ll tell you that she can do the straw herself. She’ll fumble with it and end up asking you to do it. You’ll put the straw in just as she grabs the box and squirts juice down the front of your shirt. She’ll say she’s sorry. You’ll distract her by pointing out that the baby chimp is sticking his tongue out. She’ll start to watch the movie again and notice that the baby chimp is exposed. She’ll shout out very loudly in a very quiet theater of people,
“MAMA, I CAN SEE THE BABY CHIMP’S PENIS! DO YOU SEE IT?”
You’ll be stunned by her observation and not answer quickly enough. She’ll point to the screen, forcefully grab your face, and say,
You’ll snap out of your shock and answer her to keep her from saying it again. Everyone will be laughing around you. You’ll lean over and grab a pile of popcorn from the floor and offer it to her in hopes she won't talk with a full mouth. When you give her the popcorn from the sticky floor, she’ll tell you how much she loves the movies. Chances are she’ll ask you to take her to the movies again and you’ll say to her,
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