Saturday, April 7, 2012

TRIFEXTRA: LATE FOR DINNER

This post is in response to Trifecta's Trifextra weekend writing challenge. For this week's Trifextra, they switched it up a little bit. The challenge is to write a response that is between 33 and 333 words long and uses the words 'cacophony', 'soap', and 'insects'. We can use the words however we want, but they must all appear in the writing piece.  Oh, and they must appear in order. So, without further ado, I present my story.

LATE FOR DINNER


The sun was was sparkling through the leaves. I stared at it, feeling the wind tickle the back of my hair and then, reversing direction, caressing my entire face. It was a nightly ritual, swinging  from the swing that Daddy had hung in our tree. He was usually home by now in time to push me, but today he was late. 

“Maybe an unexpected call?” I whispered, thinking out loud.

That sometimes happened and it drove Mama crazy. Tonight we ate dinner without him. I could tell she didn't enjoy a morsel. Mama thought the food never tasted as good when he wasn’t there.

“Dinner is a time to come together after a long day and get reacquainted.” She’d remind me.

The police car slowly pulled into the driveway. The officer laboriously stepped out, carefully positioned his hat, and pulled his uniform coat down in one, hard tug. He looked up and caught my eye as I swung. He forced a half smile at me and then moved slowly toward the front door.

The wind was at my back, then at my face. A gentle knock. An introduction. The wind was at my back, then at my face. A shrill, unmistakable scream.


“I’m so sorry, Ma’am”. 

I instinctively jumped and felt the earth beneath my feet. I ran to her. Ran to my mother whose cacophony of wails was loud, high pitched, and unrelenting.
I fell to my knees and squeezed her hands that were still covered in soap from washing the dinner dishes. Mama's words buzzed in my ears like insects.

“I knew we shouldn’t have eaten without him,” Mama sobbed, “the food will never taste the same.”



23 comments:

  1. Wow. Great story. I was so caught up in it, I had to go back and find the challenge words.
    Very well done, Mel!

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    1. Exactly my sentiment. Nice story, Mel.

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    2. Thank you to both of you. I'm so flattered.

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  2. Oh, that poor little girl! I like how you captured that one very sad moment in time and crystalized it.

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  3. one of the hardest things a police officer has to do. :( well done.

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    1. I know. I can't imagine. Thanks for reading it.

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  4. Your ending hit me hard. Such a sad thing to happen to any family. I especially liked your description of this child on the swing.

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    1. When I read it out loud to my husband, the ending really got him, too. Thanks for reading.

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  5. Your write up is so close to something I wrote. Our thoughts matched somehow. I like the way you expressed it all. You have right words for right moments.

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    1. I can't wait to read yours. Thank you for the compliment and for reading!

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  6. You built the story so well, that throwing the words in the last act, so to speak, was brilliant. I didn't realize they were there.

    Excellent job with emotional content and sensory words. I was hooked.

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    1. Wow! Thank you so much! When I went back and read over the rules again, I saw the words had to be in the order they were given. I had to switch things around, so I'm glad it worked.

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  7. So much emotion! You really captured it all so well. And I liked how you worked the words in at the end.

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  8. The story drew me inane I didn't miss the words but then they appeared at the end and it worked so well.

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  9. What a sad story. I did like it from the little girl's POV. Nice :)

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  10. A great story, but I would change insect to insects somehow.

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    1. Thanks! I read it wrong on their site. Thanks for noticing!

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  11. I was afraid of that. The foreshadowing is perfect, and the shifting wind, back to face, is ideal. One note -- it's insects, not insect, so mama's voice should be like 'insects'

    http://jesterqueen.com

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  12. Sorry - I'm not writing very well for someone who writes a lot. I should have said 'the challenge word is 'insects' not 'insect'. That makes more since than 'it's'.

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    1. Thanks, JQ. I didn''t even notice I did that. I had it marked wrong in my explanation of the prompt, too. Thanks for catching it!

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  13. Thanks for linking up this weekend. We hope you can come back for the weekday challenge too. Remember to check out our Facebook and Twitter pages for news on what's happening on the site.

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