Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I FOUGHT THE STROLLER...AND THE STROLLER WON

"If someone says 'Have a magical day' one more time to me, I'm going to hurt them."

Back when the kids were little, we would join Chris on trips he took to present at conferences. For a few years, he attended one that was about 10 minutes from Disney World. How fun is that? 

Well, not really fun if you have an unruly two-year-old, a brand new two-month-old, and a mama with postpartum hormones. Lucky for me, Chris thought ahead. He suggested we have his then 21 year-old-cousin, Christie, join us on the trip. That way she could help me out during the day while he was working. We all thought this was a fantastic idea. Her and I could take Tuck (and Mags) into Magic Kingdom. Turns out it was a learning experience for all of us. Most of all Christie. What's the number one thing we learned? 


How to make your 21 year old cousin NOT to want to 
have kids anytime soon. 

Here's how: 

Make her be in charge of the baby stroller the entire time.

She'll have to drag it out of the van, hit herself in the shins with it, figure out how to unfold it, get the baby in and out, figure out how to fold it back up, and get it back in the van. If you're are going for broke, have her be in charge of it in the parks of  Disney World. This means she'll need to carry the folded stroller on the Disney Tram that doesn't even have leg room, never mind folded up stroller room, get it off the Tram, hit herself in the shins again, fight to unfold it with 347 people pushing by her while watching the two-year-old spin into a tantrum that he had to get off the Tram. 

Then she'll have to get said flailing, kicking, and screaming two-year-old into the stroller, while watching her language, and putting pressure on the bloody wound she got while opening the darn thing. Now, let her wheel it around the park weaving in and out of people who are playing chicken with her and their own strollers. Who will move first?

While you are on a roll, don't forget to have her be in charge of parking the stroller in the designated Disney Stroller Parking spots 100 yds from the ride you are going on. Since she is a smart cookie, she'll remember the exact spot she placed this devil on wheels. Jokes on her because the Park Attendants will play musical strollers while we are on the ride, leaving her searching for your very expensive baby equipment like her bottle of beer at a frat party.

If you feel like this in itself doesn't seal the deal, no worries. The kids will take over. Since the two-year-old has been eating Disney delicacies since we arrived, he'll have a blow out diaper. Not to be out done by her big brother (even at two-months-old), the newborn will follow suit and simultaneously have an up the back and down the legs explosion. The rancid smell will soak into the car seats and overtake your rental van. Have her deal with one of the kids while you use an entire box of wipes attempting to clean up the other child.  She'll walk the two-year-old around the van, dry heaving, while he screams "I HAVE POOPS" and is dripping down his legs. 

By the end of the trip I'm sure she was cursing Chris for suggesting this idea, her mother for getting her the plane tickets, and me for having post baby, sleep-deprived, mental breakdowns every thirty minutes. When the day arrived for her to go home, she was up, showered, packed, and ready to leave for the airport at 6:00 AM. Thing is, she was a GINORMOUS help. 

Just like having a baby though, she has forgotten the horrid details of that trip. In fact, we just attended her wedding shower this past weekend. She'll make a stunning bride...and hopefully we didn't scar her enough that she'll make a cute little mommy one day, too. 

We love you Christie with all our hearts. I owe you at least twenty diaper changes and a six bottles of wine. You can hold me to that when you have kids. 


Now,  who thinks I should give her a stroller for a wedding present? 
Just kidding! Well, sorta. 


I'm linking up with Yeah Write #58

41 comments:

  1. If you get her a stroller ensure that it is one that unfold easily, with no chance of shin injuries! lol.

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    1. So true! HAHA! The poor girl went home with a leg full of scrapes and bruises.

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  2. I think you are brave for even just considering going to Disney with a 2 month old. I don't think I would have done it...even with help. I am sure she will get over it soon enough. You know we always think that stuff that happens to others kids will never happen with ours...ha ha ha. You and I know different. If you are the creative type you could always write her a story If You Give Christie a Stroller.... (Like the give a mouse a cookie books!) What an adventure. -LV

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    1. It's true. She was such a good sport and we laugh about it now, but looking back, I was insane from the hormones. :P

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  3. Hahahaha! Cannot stop laughing. I was a nanny when I was 20 years old and went on 3 family vacations with the family. It scarred me for life. I'm amazed I chose to have children after all that trauma. We did Disney last year with 5 kids (6mo, 3, 6, 8 & 10). It was LONG week. LOOOOOONG week. This year? We stay home and play on the slip 'n' slide.

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  4. Hahahah what a pain. She deserves more than one bottle of wine, in my opinion..

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    1. So, you think I should ge her a stroller full of wine? Haha!

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  5. I always hated strollers in crowds - nobody ever looks down! It gives you a real insight into what the wheelchair bound go through. For baby #2, I made myself a sling and man I loved that thing!

    PS, after being around while my two were toddlers my brother swears he's never having any.

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  6. Strollers are evil! But so, so necessary. I cracked up laughing at your story. Kids are like natural birth control aren't they? Bwahahahaha!

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  7. Oh my goodness that was funny! But I think 6 bottles is a little light. Give her more wine and you can skip the diaper changes. :) Ellen

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  8. Oh God, thank you for reminding me why I am NEVER taking my three to Disney-anything.
    Haha.
    Super funny post! Thanks for sharing!

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  9. Funny story, if it weren't true! LOL.

    I could tell you scarey stories about taking care of a Down's toddler, slash three, slash four, slash five-year-old in public places (he was a pain in the butt until around five-ish and he's seven now). But Disneyland world?! Not on your life! Even with ten 21-year-olds!

    And I remember too, the runny poop stage, yeah, every morning! That is how I started my day with my monkey boy! (Did I mention I used to drink wine every day in the afternoon!?) No? Now you know! (I don't any more, bummer.)

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  10. When my eldest was two I simply did not take her anywhere. The supermarket was enough of a challenge. I thinks she spent the entire year on her back kicking her legs in the airs shouting "I won't"

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    1. Ahhh, the age of 2. It's just so wondrous. NOT! ;)

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  11. Oh, poor girl. But that was a funny post ;)

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  12. GINORMOUS fan of this ilk of birth control...cheaper and more effective if you ask me. Plus, it's just so much fun to watch people without kids squirm at the "reality" (of joy, of course ;)!) that kids bring :)

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  13. this cracked me up. I am a diehard disney girl. i go every year. for us its not about the mouse or anything else as it is about having a special place for your family, ours happens to be disney. anyway, all of that to say, i know the game of chicken in the parks well. vowed i would NEVER bring a stroller into the park and well...let's see...broken my word a good 5 or 6 times already. thank goodness for these young girls we can break early :) :)

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    1. Tara, it's like they practice at home. Can you see them challenging each other in their streets? Hehe!

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  14. I've had some of my worst shin injuries from strollers...

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  15. I could have used her in Disneyland when my girls were little. We stood in line for every princess over three days, had all their autographs, and LEFT THE AUTOGRAPH BOOKS IN THE RENTED STROLLERS. Oh, I'm sure you were so grateful for her help...it does show in your post. Made me smile, thanks. ;)

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  16. Don't just giver her any stroller - give her yours. Ahhhh the memories.

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  17. That's excellent birth control!! Hee Hee!

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  18. My hubs and I went to an amusement park with out kids for the very first time this Spring. Our kids are all teens now. We watched these poor parents with kids in strollers. We'd look at them, look at each other, and just say how happy we were that we've grown beyond that point. I don't think we could do that again! EXHAUSTING!

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  19. I remember reading in the Bible that children are a blessing from God. There are times most parents question that. LOL

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  20. Haha! That is so funny! Seriously!!! We have turned a ton of people off from having kids because our house is crazy - but Disney - ruining the "Happiest Place on Earth?" Classy ;)

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  21. blowout diaper = best. birth control. ever. awesome.

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  22. Just today I was looking sadly at a mom pulling a stroller out of her car (in the rain) and trying to get her toddler into it while keeping her older child from running into traffic. I was so glad to be just about done with strollers! Definitely a great way to convince someone to think twice...and getting a stroller with a child onto a city bus. THAT will be the cure.

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  23. A babysling saved my life. Strollers in crowded public places (like, say, Manhattan, where i used to live!) HAHAHAHA. Of course you did save her one final indignity: no one puked on her. that's always a big treat - so it was nice of your kids to hold something back, so she can be surprised if/when she has her own kids.

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  24. Whew. Just reading about this makes ME not want to have kids either. Poor Christie! But great story!

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  25. Oh my god this sounds like ALL of our Disney trips! This past year was our first time with two kids instead of one (and our first time bringing a stroller). It was CRAZY!

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  26. So funny! Spending time with other people's kids is the best kind of birth control! We've lugged our heavy double stroller around Disney multiple times, and NYC. I have no idea what on earth we were thinking.

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  27. Sounds like perfect birth control to me!

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