Thursday, June 28, 2012


Guest Post by Chris (Melissa's Husband)

Melissa (via Text Message): "The doctor wants to take it out."

Chris (via Text Message): "Whoa. She just declared war on your insides."


I’m all for peace. Peace, not war and all that. But sometimes, after all diplomatic negotiations have been exhausted, military action is necessary. Sometimes, you have to roll out the tanks, fire up the missiles and bomb the hell out of the nasty for the greater good. 

About three weeks ago my wife and I made the joint decision to go to war. We met with a number of advisors, listened to what they had to say, weighed the options and consequences, and came to the conclusion it was time to pull the trigger. We signed the declaration of war and prepared for battle.


It isn’t like we didn’t give the aggressor fair warning. Two years ago we tried to send a clear message by obliterating more than half the enemy’s forces. Severely diminished, we thought for sure what remained would fall in line; back into an everyday rhythm. Peace reigned for awhile, but the malevolence couldn’t be contained forever. After two years of lying low, the tyrannical despot surfaced, bringing with it more pain and suffering. 

At first we tried to ignore it. Then, when it refused to be ignored, we tried to reason with it. Again, our pleas fell on deaf ears. Backs against the wall, we felt like we had no choice but to go to war.


Two years ago, Melissa had a partial hysterectomy. After all was said and done, her right ovary was left intact although we knew it wasn’t completely healthy. A history of cysts and other various skirmishes had left it damaged, but functional. Still, we let it live on in hopes that it would put off menopause for a few years. The doctor guessed that the ovary might continue to work without incident for five to eight more years, but she admitted, this was just a guess. It turned out to be two.

For the last few months Melissa has found herself in an ever increasing amount of abdominal pain. At first, it was just a whisper compared to the screaming, stabbing, gut-wrenching agony she felt two years prior. Tough as nails, she ignored it for as long as she could. Eventually however, the pain intensified to a point where it demanded attention. 

That’s when she went to the doctor who recommended we send in a hit squad to attack her remaining ovary. Unlike Osama Bin Laden, we knew exactly where this tyrant lived. So the mission was simple. Go in and extract the despicable organ; all mutated with fibrous, ulcerated cysts. Problem solved. While there, a pre-emptive strike was ordered on her appendix too.

With surgical precision, these organs were removed. A minor swipe looking for any intestinal adhesions was performed just for good measure. Our team of professionals was thorough, leaving no loose ends to cause any additional trouble.

Exit Strategy – Present Day

Recovery time for the procedure is ,miraculously, only one week. Melissa will rest in bed, mostly sleeping. That said, all of her favorite things are all lined up to speed along her recovery. Vampire DVDs, werewolf books, comfy pajamas, snuggles from her babes, and heaping…no that’s not quite right…HEAPING! amounts of chocolate will carry her through. Her body will be in flux, having been thrust into menopause, but we’re prepared for this inevitability. As the dust settles, her body will be discovering how to behave without the miscreants disturbing the peace. This will be an adjustment, for sure, but we’ll be ready with heaping…no that’s not quite right…HEAPING! amounts of laughter and love.


It is always easier to head into a conflict knowing you have a conglomerate of support. This battle is no exception. Thank you…yes you, the one reading this blog post.. for supporting the cause. Your comments, your posts, your tweets, your status updates, your offerings, your words of encouragement, your donations of meals, and all the rest make up our own network of United Nations. Without you, we’d be facing the great unknown alone. Thank you for it all.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I am needed in the war room…



  1. Chris, you brought me to tears. I guess we know what the painted faces were for now. You guys have such an amazing family, and I'm glad to call you my friends. I can't wait to see the little white flag waving, and you guys declaring victory. WTG Mel! You rock!

    1. You got it! That's what the painted faces were for! We do have a lot of fun together. We're looking forward to the next time we get to see you and yours in the flesh! Now, I just have to finish my "Mission Accomplished" banner!
      Thanks for all the support!

  2. Perfect post! Wonderful General to have leading the charge. Take care of the troops. Love to all!

  3. Thank you do much for sharing your stories and a little piece of your life with us. Your stories make us laugh everyday and make me feel like I'm not alone in this crazy adventure of raising children. I'm so glad to hear the surgery went well. I wish you & your beautiful family nothing but the best. You are a rock star.

    1. Thanks so much, Dominique. I appreciate that you read along with me! :)

  4. Mel, isn't it fun to have a guest writer once in a while? My mom and Dave did it for me last December. I still love going back and reading their thoughts. Sometimes I think their writing puts mine to shame.

    Leave it to a boy (I mean ... MAN) to turn this girly issue into "frogs and snails and puppy dog tails." Great job, Chris. I enjoyed every minute of it. And the picture was perfect. Was it taken specifically for the post ... or did you already have war painted pictures of your wee ones?

    Here's to everyone getting some sleep tonight! Love to all ... M

  5. Thanks everyone!
    Thanks to all for the love and support! We certainly felt it radiating our way today and appreciated every ray of sunshine.

    ODNT, we took the picture specifically for this post :) We've painted faces many times before but this is the first time we did ourselves up in camouflage. The kids were great about it and especially had a blast painting my face. Sometime we'll have to share the 25 pictures we took that weren't used; the outtakes!

    Mel is resting peacefully now, regaining her strength. I know she's looking forward to getting back into the saddle and writing more posts about our tenacious two and the other nonsense that goes on in our lives!

    Thanks! Chris

    1. Chris, we really have to do an outtake reel.

      Michele, I was taking the m in between my trips to the bathroom yesterday afternoon. Glad I caught one! :)

    2. I double Chris's thanks for all the love and support!!

  6. Good news all around!
    And thanks Chris for putting it in terms guys like me can understand.
    Pretty sure with all the encouragement, Mel will be back up in not time, just so she can play along with you!

  7. Thanks Guap,
    We're building a couch fort right after nap time ;)

  8. Mel, I don't know how I missed all this. I have to subscribe to your blog via email. I feel AWFUL that I had no idea you were going through all this!!!

    I hope you are feeling better now. I read today's update and it seems despite the lack of electricity for a while (OMG, seriously?!) you are doing ok.

    Hugs!! See you in a month!!!